WHATEVER: How to find (and buy) shoes in under 10 minutes

It took me 25 years, but I finally broke down and bought a pair of dress shoes this week.
They're real nice ones -- brown, with some fancy laces and those soles that aren't rubber. I think they're like leather, or something. I dunno. I don't really care. I'm just glad it's over with, I hate buying shoes. In fact, that probably explains why I put it off for 25 years ...
While I had to check out several stores to find the right pair, I eventually spotted, tried on and purchased my current set all in under 10 minutes. I found the process is actually quite simple if both the seller and the buyer know what to say and how to speed things along.
It's true that most men hate buying shoes, but here's my take on how to get the deed done as quickly and painlessly as possible:

1. Tell the salesman right away how much you are willing to spend. There's nothing more annoying or time-wasting for a seller than to have a customer demand to try on a $300 pair of Bostonians, only to shout, "Oh! They're $300? Well, I can't spend that!" Naturally, this accusatory and generally rude revelation always comes after the customer has traipsed the pricey pair all over the store floor. Don't be an ass. Check the price tag before you try on and always be forthright about what you're willing to spend.

2. Be clear about the function on the shoe. Will it be for business? Casual? Outside yard work? Sports? A wedding? Whatever it is, say it up front so the sales guy can save you both some time.

3. Sellers - don't hover over me while I'm trying to buy. This one always drives me nuts. The ratio of salesmen to customers at shoe stores is always at least 5 to 1, even in this economy. It's unbelievable.
Look, I know you can help me. When I want your help I will very politely ask for it. Feel free to offer once, but if I say I am just browsing don't hover and try to make small talk about shoes. I'm not interested, you're wasting my time and frankly, it's a little creepy.

4. Unless it's for sports, only try on one shoe. Take no more than three to six "test steps" with it. If it feels good, buy it. Check the box to make sure the correct matching shoe was put in it. If the shoe sucks, tell the salesperson (politely) that it sucks and you want a different one, but be quick about it. A poor test fit is probably the biggest stumbling block for getting out of the shoe store in under 10 minutes, but if both you and the seller bring your A-Game this shouldn't be a problem. Be sure to get your payment ready while the seller packs the shoes and be prepared to swap the cash right after the ring up.

Congratulations, you're all done! You just bought shoes in under 10 minutes! Atta boy! Now go home, throw aside your new kicks, slop on those comfortable socks with the holes in them and watch some TV. Job well done!