ANGRY CONSUMER: Chad's Letters

Yeah, I know Chad Bradley's insane customer service letters are old, but that still doesn't make the site any less funny.
Take this recent example:

"I am a large and keen drinker of Buxton mineral water. I haven’t always been large - I was very small when I was born, for example (relatively speaking; I was certainly much larger than concepts, and wasps, chaffinches, small sandwiches etc. I have never been larger than a Mini, however, and this has always vexed me. That’s what it says on my badge! Sadly I ate the badge many years ago as a protest, but I kept it afterwards). Buxton is without question the finest bottled water I have ever eaten. I usually feel ten times better after eating some, and get up and go out jogging or climbing in windows. It’s a real breath of fresh water. In fact, it’s probably the most impwaternt part of my day.
So as you can imagine, I was rather surprised when I bought a faulty 500ml bottle last Thursday. I got into my brown car, lifted my trusty Buxton for a guzzle, bit off a mouthful, balanced it on the steering wheel for safekeeping… and spied no less than a full size shark in the bottom of the bottle. “Aaaaargh!”, I quipped briefly, before leaping out of my car to safety. I slammed the door shut to keep the monster at bay, and ran off to the nearest coastguard - a whole forty-eight miles!"

And it just gets better from there ...